kbienapfl
kbienapfl's Cancer Blog
September 7, 2008
| The Dark Hole | Views: 686 |
Honestly, I do not know how else to begin this entry other than to say it up front and talk about it. I hit the proverbial wall. I wouldn’t say I had a breakdown, but I did indeed have an ‘episode’. Whatever happened, it took over the strong, upbeat and positive person that has always had the ability to rally.
It has been difficult being away from my family & friends and the comforts of my own home these past months. The short bits of time I have been home, I was fighting pain. The discomfort did not allow me to be fully present and enjoy spending time with family and friends, as I was always distracted.
Poor Dick called me to say good-morning two weeks ago Friday. He was on his way into work and was ready to settle into his day. When he asked me how I was, it was quite apparent that I was not in a good place. Dick and Eileen quickly put themselves on the road to drive down to see me. The hope was that if I were to see the two of them, the spirit that disappeared within me would miraculously reappear. It did not work.
That Sunday afternoon I ended up in Cancer Treatment Centers of America’s emergency room. I was convinced I was going to die. I was admitted into the hospital.
The tomotherapy treatments were taking more out of me than I wanted to believe. I recognized, now that I was in the hospital, I had not been sleeping well, nor had I been eating enough to healthily sustain me. My downward spiral had started a couple of weeks back. I kept thinking I could rally…I always do.
Monday was a very busy day. The staff at CTCA were all over it. Not only was my doctor involved, I had visits from nutrition, mental health, mind & body medicine and care management. There was a concern that I might possibly have brain mets. A CT scan was scheduled. CTCA was going to get to the bottom of this and quick.
When all is said and done, I guess you could say my well was empty. My spirit was drying up. Fighting was taking its toll and I had not shared it with anyone.
Dick has stayed and spent the past two weeks with me. He has been tremendous support and has done a phenomenal job of pulling me up out of my hole. He returned home today. It was very difficult to let him go. My mom has arrived in his stead…I continue to be in good hands.
Two weeks later I am a new person. I have renewed energy. With the help of a funny little pill by the name of Marinol, I have an appetite…and a sense of humor. I am sleeping soundly at night and I have great hope.
The CT results show that my brain has not been invaded. Hallelujah! The radiation treatments are going very well. My pain has completely disappeared. Dr. Eden is very impressed with my results thus far and feels we are beating the enemy. I am down to just seven more treatments. My fighting attitude has returned and I am once again a warrior.
Chris and Jaime 
Brian Aagaard 
Thanks for your support -
Hi Kathy, at one time or another I believe all of us have gone through the dark days of despair. This is a brutal and barbaric disease and if you didnt have an occasional meltdown you wouldnt be human. Focus on your return from the abyss and know that I continue to uplift you in healing prayer. Shalom, Lily
Love coming your way.
Hug Sherri
Hi Kathy,
Are you kidding me. It sounds like you are behaving normally. You have every right to feel the way you do! I have not even started my treatment and I am just about to go crazy. Just keep telling yourself “this too shall pass” when that doesn’t help try telling yourself “the lord never gives you more than you can handle.” Obviously you are strong and courageous woman. You are fighting and you must fight! Stay strong and remember one day at a time. (if you need to break that down…one hour at a time)
Peace be with you.
Sounds like a roller coaster ride with some major dips. I am so happy to hear that you are on the way up, so happy. I have realized from my experience with the fighting attitude that it comes in ways. I am sending you some healthy strong vibes. ;-)
Hi Kathy; just the mention of metasisis to the brain would have sent me over the edge. Thank god you got that straightened out but bet you had to wait for the results. It’s the panic of not knowing,waiting, stewing, not eating, not sleeping, worrying and just plain old fear that knocks the hell out of you. So happy to hear that you are renewed. It is so nice to have loved ones around at times like these.. Happy to hear you found a drug that is helping with your appetite. That is very important. You might want to start another post – DRUG FOR APPETITE. It might draw more people to it. Just a thought.
Take care and keep us posted. Weezie
Kathy,
You as usual, have indeed rallied. And I agree with the above statements, we have all fallen into that deep hole, sometimes repeatedly, how can we not? I have brain mets, and have had 5 small brain tumors zapped. Even scary things like that are not always the end of the world. Just one more step in dealing with this dreadful disease. Just keep on tickin’. I am so thrilled that you are doing well. Gaile
Hi Kathy,
You seem like an amazingly strong woman. I completely understand your fears though very happy that you are on the upswing. I know you hurt probably more so thatn you let on. Sending prayers your way. Hugs, Patty
Hi Kathy. first I want to let you know that I am keeping you and yours in my prayers and thoughts.
I have a question for you,Could you give me the information about Montel Williams (Spelling).
The Voice of Mammosite a support group for women that have been told they have Breast Cancer, we want spread the word that you have a choice on what kind of treatment they receive.
I was unable to get a contact address or E-mail, Address to contact them to set up a interview.
Hug to all,
sherri