kbienapfl
kbienapfl's Cancer Blog
April 16, 2008
| Disappointment | Views: 730 |
The trip to Cabo San Lucas was glorious. The home was just as I had remembered from the last visit Dick and I enjoyed. The beautiful weather allowed for daily morning walks and sitting around the pool for hours taking in the healing powers of the sun. Evenings in the hot tub allowed for great conversation…and we never solved the problems of the world. I was blessed to be surrounded by two wonderful, caring and fun loving friends. A very special trip indeed.
Returning from Mexico was a busy time, as it gave me few days to prepare for my upcoming surgery. Knowing one is not going to be able to physically be involved in spring cleaning, digging in my garden and comfortably breathing in the fresh air of the season found me a bit melancholy. With that, the surgery was bringing me great hope in life…my own spring renewal.
This week started with diagnostics at Mayo; blood tests, pulmonary function tests and a final CT scan. Our meeting with doctor Cassivi was scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. I packed my bags, finalized personal paperwork, gave Bert (our super dog) a hug and let him know I would see him in a few weeks. These past days have been very emotional. Leading up to this final appointment was torturous for both Dick and me.
We arrived for our appointment yesterday afternoon. Dr. Grothey saw us first…which I found surprising. This appointment was scheduled with Dr. Cassivi. The first words Dr. Grothey asked were ‘how are you feeling?’ How am I feeling? I am feeling great. I’ve been off chemo, enjoyed warm weather with friends…life is great! He asked again. My mind raced. Oh no….please, don’t tell me surgery is off!
My suspicion was correct. He explained to me that after further review of my most recent CT scans and the placement of one specific tumor, he felt the surgery would not benefit me. Doctor Cassivi joined in our conversation and was in complete agreement. Basically, what they told me is what I had been told last June. I am inoperable. They could remove some of the tumors. Unfortunately, they would have to leave most of the tumor in my pleaural lining. With that and the risks involved, they felt it was not in my best interest to pursue the surgery.
I was told to enjoy the Spring. Enjoy the feeling of being whole and healthy. Take a break from cancer. Dr. Grothey said he would see me in June and see if there were any trials we might find beneficial. In the end, Dick and I knew they were kindly telling us to go live life and continue with the positive attitude that has carried me through so much.
I know that so many of you have been praying for me. Although not directly involved, I am aware that you have been feeling anxious and concerned about the procedure. So much energy being given. Thank you.
I awoke this morning numb. Tears have been pulling themselves up from deep inside my gut. I’ve barely spoken a word to Dick. We just sit quietly together not knowing what to say or do.
Give me a few days….this lost feeling will turn around. I already have a plan. Exercise, yoga, meditation and hire a nutritionist to help me figure out how to make food that is good for you taste good. The most important thing I am going to do is wake up each day with a deep appreciation of having the opportunity of doing so.
Things happen for a reason. Although it feels like my life has been pulled out from under me….giving up is just not my thing. Hope, love and the power of prayer. That can’t be taken from me.
My need (our need) for your prayers has not ended. Now, more than ever, I will be reaching out to you for your energy. I am always being asked ‘what can I do for you’? My answer has not changed….pray, pray, pray.
06.22.08 - 
Chris and Jaime 
Brian Aagaard 
Thanks for your support -
oh no kathy! I know I should say something positive and cheerful but all i can think of is, no, no, no. I hate this stupid cancer crap. I will pray for you.
Oh Kathy, I am so sorry for your disappointing news, I truly feel awful and so…sad. Please know that I will continue to storm the heavens with healing prayer on your behalf. One of my recurrent anal cancer sisters went to an eastern medicine practitioner in Boston and she feels so much better after spending time at his retreat. I believe his name is Master Lee. If you are interested please let me know and I will obtain further info for you. God Bless. Shalom, Lily
Kathy,
Your pain belongs to all of us. Your sisters and brothers out here are linked to you by our shared experience. You have much support and I am sure you can feel the energy and prayers we send for you. You are blessed to have had such a wonderful trip and I hope the positive energy from that experience can carry you and Dick through the next couple of months. My prayers are always with you, all the way from California. Bless you both, Gaile
I’m so happy you had a wonderful time with Hubby.
Tom and I send all our love to you and Dick and your family and friends that are holding you both close to their heart.
Sherri & Tom
Kathy,
I think your attitude is great never say never….
With your family and friends and all of us praying for you, you have a lot of positive vibe heading your way. Stay strong and keep the faith.
Cheryl58
Kathy; I can hear in your last posting a kind of sadness and anger for your recent news of no operation. I presume the Drs. feel that this would not assist you and perhaps make you a lot weaker in the short run. My experience with Drs. They have vested a lot of time in their patients and that they must know ( in your case) the pros and cons of such a surgery and what benefits you would receive from going through this ordeal. It sounds as if you are feeling physically ok and that is a good sign. Living in the moment can bring you such joy and that is what I heard from you regarding your trip with Dick. Nothing like a ray of sun to ease the soul. I know you are feeling down and confused and of course you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel those thoughts. I think fear is such an awful word. It plays havoc on our soul, but it does give us a chance to kick ourselves, get back up and move towards a feeling of gratitude for what we have now. Easier said than done. The fact that we are always under medical scurtiny and filling our calendars with medical appts., tests etc. brings this to the surface constantly. I don’t have an answer on how to alleviate the stress but to have joy in what you do today. If you have a moment try going to pbs.org and click on Take One Step/Cancer. This is a group of Drs. who are surviving with Cancer and how they treat their patients. I really learned a lot and hope that you might too. Take care of yourself each and every day. You need the strength so that you can enjoy the moment. Prayers from Canada. Weezie
Hi Kathy, just wanted to let you know that I continue to keep you in my healing thoughts and prayers. You are an inspiration to me and many others who have/are/continue to battle this beast. Shalom, Lily
Hi Kathy,
i just found this site and found you are from Minneapolis. I am from hutchinson and have been on the cancer journey too. stage 4 melanoma and healed…...you can too
there is hope, i know exactly how you are feeling, and the numbness, etc….............
yes, yes yes, meditate, breathe….
let me know how I can help
sheila@sheilaulrich.com