kbienapfl
kbienapfl's Cancer Blog
December 10, 2007
| It's a Wonderful Life | Views: 944 |
By now, I am sure a majority of you have watched a seasonal favorite ‘It’s a Wonderful life’. The storyline is to help us all see and appreciate the many good things that surround us on a daily basis.
As difficult as it is to explain, I have found that receiving the diagnosis of cancer, specifically Stage IV, is very similar to the movie in many ways. Personally, I felt my life was very much like George Bailey’s. There were things that happened when I was younger that haunted me for years. Discontent would be a good description of how I lived on a daily basis…always looking for something better (or what I thought was better).
It seems I am learning daily that the things that I thought I was missing were with me all along. The material spoils, as much as we would all like to have them, are no longer of high importance. The relationships that I have with my family has grown stronger and I have a true appreciation of the ‘meaning’ of family. Friendships and the outpouring of support and love has been amazingly uplifting. What I didn’t recognize was the Lord has always provided for me, my family and friends have always been there. What I now see was I did not accept them as I felt I was undeserving.
The point that I am trying to communicate is that we are all George Baily at one time or another. It seems it requires something to rock our world to recognize that we are all provided for….just look within.
The Holiday season causes many stresses. Unfortunately, the busyness of it all takes away from the true meaning. Give yourself your own true gift. Take time to recognize all the wonderful things that are in your life and taking place around you. Open your heart….what matters will come to you.
Of course I have to close with this…’Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.’ You are all my angels. Your wings protect me and hold me with love daily.
09.13.08 - 
Chris and Jaime 
Brian Aagaard 
Thanks for your support -
We have already found this year that personal relationships are better with family and that Thanksgiving was the best ever. Nothing like a little cancer to put your life in focus. My husband and I are closer than ever. I still hate cancer and wish that it and I never crossed paths. But, since it has happened, I will use it to ensure that I appreciate what I do have.
We are anticipating the best Christmas that ever was. I can’t wait. Well, I can wait a bit until I get my shopping done.
Every one—live in the real world as much as possible.
Oh Kathy, I am still crying after reading your latest posting and you are so….right! Unfortunately I have siblings who could care less, they are all living the high life in NYC and told me not to worry nobody dies of anal cancer it is totally curable and I was lucky to get that kind. So, I do not have the blessings afforded others like yourself who have loving and supportive siblings, it really makes a difference. I am blessed to have a wonderful son and my husband has come around from denial to support. May you receive an abundance of God’s Blessings during the Christmas season and throughout the new year. Shalom, Lily
Kathy,
I hadn’t seen any of your blog before, but Sue sent it along.I read your entire stream just now, and it is quite a story. So many of us can identify with your journey. Mine is Non Small Cell lung cancer. I am not a smoker and I tire of the indifference of those who look at lung cancer as a self-induced disease. Many more women are bring diagnosed with this disease, many who never smoked. It is most frequently diagnosed at stage IV as it isn’t diagnosed until it has spread. I have reached my one year mark since diagnosis as it was last Thanksgiving. I was given 18 months (with chemo). I try not to count the time, but it is difficult not to.
My husband is a difficult man, always has been, and continues to be. My kids have health problems and are trying to go to college, but struggling to do so. My husband is only critical of the three of us and not supportive. Without my paycheck we are having financial hardships just to pay the normal bills, add to that the medical expenses… what a cruel thing to happen to a family. We must sell our house. Imagine the home where your kids grew up, all of the collections of their lifetime. I hold all of the family heirlooms. I worry without me to guard these treasures, what will become of them? I certainly don’t have the energy, or mental strength to go through everything to move to a smaller home. If my husband had his way he would throw it all away. My elderly parents were depending on me to help care for them, and now they can’t.
Things are certainly out of whack. We imagine that we will live until old age; that we will be able to guide our children into adulthood to help with college, weddings, pregnancy, and childbirth; to guide our parents through their final years, returning the love and care that they gave to us. I prepared for all of these things by being an R.N. and then becoming a teacher. I always took care of everyone and everything. I paid all of the bills, took care of all business, our home, it’s maintenance, our kids, their school stuff, their health. Now it all hangs. I am still doing it all. When I am too sick to take care of it, everything sits idle. My husband has not taken over. He is angry when I try to show him. He is angry, he says, because I act like he isn’t capable. But he shows no interest. I realize he has had it lucky for 23 years, not having to do anything and now it is all his. He is assuredly overwhelmed and maybe scared. I don’t feel sorry for him as he never has helped, or shown any interest. He has not developed a relationship with his kids, and wonders why they don’t care about him. All he does is criticize them, he doesn’t show compassion or caring. I see it all falling apart without me. I am sad for my kids. I hope I have given them enough skills to make it on their own.
The difference in the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” is that he has a CHOICE whether to live or die. You see my husband has always been a heavy smoker and drinker. High stress, type A, always angry and stressed, he has NO friends, and isn’t close to his family. He is very high risk and I alway thought he would suffer health problems. I don’t smoke, drank rarely, have always been even tempered and easy going. Ate a healthy diet and worked out regularly. I have so many friends and a loving and dear family… so much suppport. I loved my job, he has always hated his. I have NO family history of any type of cancer.
It doesn’t make sense. I keep thinking there is some reason, and I am just not privy to it. Perhaps it is to challenge the strength of my kids to make it on their own. But as I watch my friends so happily planning weddings with their kids, and going through pregnancies and becoming grandmothers. I am profoundly jealous and my heart just breaks.
Somehow I outwardly stay positive. Everyone thinks I am amazing and courageous. I am told I am an inspiration to others. It is a wonder that we can keep up this outward facade. I certainly don’t feel this way inside. But I will go out later, meet my brother, and paste on my happy face while I tie the scarf upon my bald head.I know this has sounded whiney. I apologize as it is just one of those days that we all have. I poured it out here. Tomorrow is another day, and I will be glad to still be here to enjoy it. Love to all of you remarkable people. There is strength in numbers as we support each other.
I will indeed watch Montel on Thursday. I look forward to it. Be strong my friends. See the beauty around us that we may have missed seeing before.
Gaile